I have been....empty, lately. Only way to describe it. Its either no feelings, upset, or angry the past couple days. I dont know....
I have been talking to Anthony, once he was in a really bad condition and i wanted to go but when i tried to he'd freak out and like beg me to stay and he needed me. I only tried to go like twice because of that. It was really hard, but he needed me.... Now he tells me that he has to fight a 16 year old boy cause thats Hope's ex and...well...Anthony and Hope had a thing (or have a thing, im not really sure) for a couple days, so that got me enraged, the thought of anyone hurting him. And it makes me hate Hope because its her fault hes gonna get hurt and I really wanna tie a boulder to this guys foot and drop him in the deepest part of my neighborhood lake then send in the aligators and snapping turtles after him.
Ah! Mark just texted me, he is still all about me. I told him im not up for a relationship right now, i told him i dont like him, i told him to back off, but he still continues to be obbsessed! I dont know whats wrong with me, but for some bizarre reason ive been..attracting guys lately. Out of the seven guys that have proclaimed their love to me in the past 2 months, i only want one. And yes ive gone over this so i know i dont need to again, but still....
Im probably torturing myself. Listening to Rascal Flatts' sad songs and Boys Like Girls all the time, and talking to Anthony so much even though it often kills me, but at the same time makes me so happy. Beth says i need to stop, but i swear i must be addicted. Addicted to him or addicted to pain? Maybe both.
Did you know that banging your head on a wall (or any solid, hard object really) can bang the thoughts out of your head temporarily? I was just upset one day, i couldnt get Anthony out of my head and i didnt want to think about him, so i started banging my head on the wall and it actually worked! I know, im insane, but still.
I wrote a lot yesterday. A lot a lot. It was really important too, and from my heart and i got really into it. But when i tried to post it, the sight messed up and wouldnt let me! So i hit back so i could save what i wrote and post it later...but it was gone! I was so mad and so upset, i didnt write all day after that. I just wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am bored. I am hungry, but im not at the same time. I think my mom is worried about me, but im kinda just brushing it off. I wonder what to tell her sometimes, then i think, oh well, how do i know what she'll ask anyway, so i stop wondering. All ive had today is toast, i dont really have an appitite. I think that's worrying my mom, too.
Today has been boring. I woke up at like 2pm. Beth spent the night last night. I was helping Martha so i went downstairs to talk to her so i could let Beth sleep (my sleeping pattern is really screwed up) and when i came back up she had conquered the bed. I didnt want to wake her up so i got a pillow and layed down on the couch. It took me nearly an hour to fall asleep, just laying there in the dark. It was very difficult to get my mind to quiet, and when that didnt work to fall asleep over the thoughts. The couch screwed up my neck, it hurts. But its ok because Beth said she slept REALLY good. She moves around A LOT in her sleep! She left at 3 cause i wanted a shower and alone time, i felt bad when she left though cause it was sprinkling out still, even though she had her bike. She says its fine, but i dont believe her....
Well, i guess im done writing. This may be my last post on June's blog, i may blog later but i kinda doubt it.
Ta Ta For Now :p
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Just so everyone who doesnt read this knows, i will be starting a new blog each month. In 2 days, when july starts, ill have a new blog like i do now. Nothing will change really...at least i dont think anything will change.
I miss a few people right now.
I miss Anthony, we all know that. I miss Will, thats a bit of a surprise, i guess i just love his smile and hugs and the comfort i get when he wraps his long arms around me in a hug and when he picks me up sometimes. I miss my mom, though she is down the hall i miss the old us, when we were closer and she didnt always yell and wasnt always mad and trusted me, though i have done nothing to break that trust. I miss my dad, i saw him last this past ... tuesday i think but it seems like weeks this one has gone so slow and i dont really see him that much. I miss Alison, my best friend since i was 6 and i havent seen since...i think christmas, i hardly talk to her and i miss living across the street from her, always having a play buddy and such.
Well, that is a lovely paragraph.
I blog a lot. But i like blogging. I dont really vent so this is my thing. Better than a journal really i think. I will blog more..
Will and I are making a video. It is a music video to poker face, we did a challenge on youtube so check it out. We had dress rehersal today and Eric came over to get a feel of what he wanted to do, he is our camrea man. And Beth came over, she is in it for a couple seconds but she's helping us with this one scene. It is fun, i like doing it and Will and i are having fun choeographing a video and are having fun together lately.
Well, i have a phone call, so i will blog later.
Ta Ta For Now :P
I miss a few people right now.
I miss Anthony, we all know that. I miss Will, thats a bit of a surprise, i guess i just love his smile and hugs and the comfort i get when he wraps his long arms around me in a hug and when he picks me up sometimes. I miss my mom, though she is down the hall i miss the old us, when we were closer and she didnt always yell and wasnt always mad and trusted me, though i have done nothing to break that trust. I miss my dad, i saw him last this past ... tuesday i think but it seems like weeks this one has gone so slow and i dont really see him that much. I miss Alison, my best friend since i was 6 and i havent seen since...i think christmas, i hardly talk to her and i miss living across the street from her, always having a play buddy and such.
Well, that is a lovely paragraph.
I blog a lot. But i like blogging. I dont really vent so this is my thing. Better than a journal really i think. I will blog more..
Will and I are making a video. It is a music video to poker face, we did a challenge on youtube so check it out. We had dress rehersal today and Eric came over to get a feel of what he wanted to do, he is our camrea man. And Beth came over, she is in it for a couple seconds but she's helping us with this one scene. It is fun, i like doing it and Will and i are having fun choeographing a video and are having fun together lately.
Well, i have a phone call, so i will blog later.
Ta Ta For Now :P
Wanting What You Can't Have
I miss my ex so much. And i hate thinking about him like that, but thats what he is now. Not mine in any way but the crossed out (x is a cross of lines). I love him, i really truly do. I want him. I love him. I miss him.
For my 15th birthday in 3 weeks i want Anthony, my Anty.
Romeo, Superman, Edward, YuckyBoy, Cutywooty, ZacEfron, Anty, Gbear. All nicknames i had for him, all with a story behind them.
We had so many little things. Inside jokes, just-us secrets. We had a song, a beautiful song that now fits us, but unfortunatly id be the one singing, not him like he thought it would end up.
The numbers have gone up, too. I said that 5 guys like me, proclaimed their love to me in 2 months. I have a correction, it is apparently 7 ...that we know of. And Will, my best friend that likes me, likes me more now than ever it seems and he flirts and he really doesnt like my friend Eric who also likes me. They didnt exactly get along today when they were both over at my house.
Chelsea is over right now, we are listening to Rascal Flatts. She is not the most exciting person so it is easy to think and act and do and feel what i want with her here. Though i must admit it, i wish that Will was still here. Im always happy when hes with me. He was joking today that im his girlfriend, and then correct himself saying "well, not yet but..." and then smile at me. I couldnt help but smile back whenever he smiled at me, especialy when he smiles like that.
I'll admit it, i love Will. I love him, but not like i love Anthony. I dont know if i could, or will, feel that way about Will but i suppose i could try....
Anthony. All i think and want and breathe is him still. He was everything, my first love.
Will he be the last?
My and Anthony's Song
Heels Over Head
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMnmNBYqMLM
For my 15th birthday in 3 weeks i want Anthony, my Anty.
Romeo, Superman, Edward, YuckyBoy, Cutywooty, ZacEfron, Anty, Gbear. All nicknames i had for him, all with a story behind them.
We had so many little things. Inside jokes, just-us secrets. We had a song, a beautiful song that now fits us, but unfortunatly id be the one singing, not him like he thought it would end up.
The numbers have gone up, too. I said that 5 guys like me, proclaimed their love to me in 2 months. I have a correction, it is apparently 7 ...that we know of. And Will, my best friend that likes me, likes me more now than ever it seems and he flirts and he really doesnt like my friend Eric who also likes me. They didnt exactly get along today when they were both over at my house.
Chelsea is over right now, we are listening to Rascal Flatts. She is not the most exciting person so it is easy to think and act and do and feel what i want with her here. Though i must admit it, i wish that Will was still here. Im always happy when hes with me. He was joking today that im his girlfriend, and then correct himself saying "well, not yet but..." and then smile at me. I couldnt help but smile back whenever he smiled at me, especialy when he smiles like that.
I'll admit it, i love Will. I love him, but not like i love Anthony. I dont know if i could, or will, feel that way about Will but i suppose i could try....
Anthony. All i think and want and breathe is him still. He was everything, my first love.
Will he be the last?
My and Anthony's Song
Heels Over Head
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMnmNBYqMLM
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Dogs, Gaurds, and Houses
I came down the stairs and shoved my laptop into my little messenger bag as Beth waited next to me, rubbing her shoulders. I hauled it up over my head and on my shoulder and we walked out the front door.
Talking and laughing, we suddenly heard a dog bark. It came from the sidewalk to the right of the entrance of my village. Its where people walked and people walked at all hours with their dogs so we didnt think anything of it, just quieted down a bit and contiued walking. We reached the edge of the sidewalk and heard barking again, this time we both stopped and looked over. We heard a chain rattle, paws patting the ground, and barking/growling. Instinct kicked in and we both new that there was no owner restraining the obviously large dog and it was coming for us, and it didnt sound friendly.
We ran-or jogged rather- to the other side of the street, diagonal. We couldnt see the dog in the shadows, but we could defenitly hear it still. My heart racing and addrenaline kicking in, i slowly lifed the bag over my shoulder and placed it on the ground as i moved closer to Beth.
"I'll call the gaur-" i started but cut off, realizing that i didnt have the gaurds number on my new phone. "Beth," i said, my voice now comanding. She looked at me, eyes wide and alert, "call the gaurds!"
She took out her phone and dialed the gaurds. She told them a dog was barking at us and it doesnt have an owner and to get to us quick please. A few minutes later a gaurds truck pulled up next to us. Jared, the gaurd, rolled down the window and asked where the dog was and if we could both fit in the front seat. With a shrug Beth and i got into the gaurds truck and explained where we heard the dog (after getting my bag of course).
With the door digging into my side, we drove to the front of the dog's house (the wasnt the first that the dog had caused trouble and Jared suspected it, he was right) and whoa and behold the dog trotted around from the back of the house to greet us ever so warmly. Jared rolled up the window slightly in front my face, up to my forehead, and Beth and i laughed a little at the jester of protection. He walked to the back of the truck and walkie-talkied the gaurd shack. After sitting there for about 10 minutes i guess, he got back into the car and drove us to the gaurd shack at the front of the neighborhood.
There we met Lonny (another amazing gaurd who saved my life) and filled out a report. Jared told me to be descriptive and put down everything so descriptive i was and wrote up until "now writing a report, this report". Jared thought that was funny, i appreciated the A+ they gave me on my short essay. We waited for a maybe-to-come deputy for about thirty minutes, twenty of which they were working on paper work. Jared had to leave at one point and respond to another distress call, someone had reported a sighting of two teenage boys hopping a fence on the other side of the neighborhood.
Eventually my mom returned home and picked us up from the shack on her way in, though Jared had just gotten back and could've taken us home she wanted to, and dropped us off at Beth's house. Just before she got there Jared was telling Lonny that he was trying to get some pictures of the dog (for the report) but it started coming for him. The dog was not kind indeed. Lonny was calling animal control as we were leaving.
Now i sit, at Beth's house on my laptop in her room. She is putting something on her wall and i am playing music while her bird bobs its head to it, sitting on my screen top. This is my first time spending the night at Beths, though she has spent the night at my place many times, and i am excited and happy to be here.
2 gaurds have now saved my life in this neighborhood. I would like to thank Jared and Lonny for being there when calls of distress were sent. Without them i probably would not be here today. Lonny saved me from an intruder in my house, scaring him away by nearly breaking down my front door. Jared saved me from a possibly rabid dog and drove us to a safety in his pimped out gaurds truck (i forgot to mention that white stuff was indeed dripping from the dog's mouth when we were in front of its house). Thank you to gaurds of the springs!
Talking and laughing, we suddenly heard a dog bark. It came from the sidewalk to the right of the entrance of my village. Its where people walked and people walked at all hours with their dogs so we didnt think anything of it, just quieted down a bit and contiued walking. We reached the edge of the sidewalk and heard barking again, this time we both stopped and looked over. We heard a chain rattle, paws patting the ground, and barking/growling. Instinct kicked in and we both new that there was no owner restraining the obviously large dog and it was coming for us, and it didnt sound friendly.
We ran-or jogged rather- to the other side of the street, diagonal. We couldnt see the dog in the shadows, but we could defenitly hear it still. My heart racing and addrenaline kicking in, i slowly lifed the bag over my shoulder and placed it on the ground as i moved closer to Beth.
"I'll call the gaur-" i started but cut off, realizing that i didnt have the gaurds number on my new phone. "Beth," i said, my voice now comanding. She looked at me, eyes wide and alert, "call the gaurds!"
She took out her phone and dialed the gaurds. She told them a dog was barking at us and it doesnt have an owner and to get to us quick please. A few minutes later a gaurds truck pulled up next to us. Jared, the gaurd, rolled down the window and asked where the dog was and if we could both fit in the front seat. With a shrug Beth and i got into the gaurds truck and explained where we heard the dog (after getting my bag of course).
With the door digging into my side, we drove to the front of the dog's house (the wasnt the first that the dog had caused trouble and Jared suspected it, he was right) and whoa and behold the dog trotted around from the back of the house to greet us ever so warmly. Jared rolled up the window slightly in front my face, up to my forehead, and Beth and i laughed a little at the jester of protection. He walked to the back of the truck and walkie-talkied the gaurd shack. After sitting there for about 10 minutes i guess, he got back into the car and drove us to the gaurd shack at the front of the neighborhood.
There we met Lonny (another amazing gaurd who saved my life) and filled out a report. Jared told me to be descriptive and put down everything so descriptive i was and wrote up until "now writing a report, this report". Jared thought that was funny, i appreciated the A+ they gave me on my short essay. We waited for a maybe-to-come deputy for about thirty minutes, twenty of which they were working on paper work. Jared had to leave at one point and respond to another distress call, someone had reported a sighting of two teenage boys hopping a fence on the other side of the neighborhood.
Eventually my mom returned home and picked us up from the shack on her way in, though Jared had just gotten back and could've taken us home she wanted to, and dropped us off at Beth's house. Just before she got there Jared was telling Lonny that he was trying to get some pictures of the dog (for the report) but it started coming for him. The dog was not kind indeed. Lonny was calling animal control as we were leaving.
Now i sit, at Beth's house on my laptop in her room. She is putting something on her wall and i am playing music while her bird bobs its head to it, sitting on my screen top. This is my first time spending the night at Beths, though she has spent the night at my place many times, and i am excited and happy to be here.
2 gaurds have now saved my life in this neighborhood. I would like to thank Jared and Lonny for being there when calls of distress were sent. Without them i probably would not be here today. Lonny saved me from an intruder in my house, scaring him away by nearly breaking down my front door. Jared saved me from a possibly rabid dog and drove us to a safety in his pimped out gaurds truck (i forgot to mention that white stuff was indeed dripping from the dog's mouth when we were in front of its house). Thank you to gaurds of the springs!
The Dump
Sunday 2:00 a.m., my phone goes off, i have a new random voice message.
"Who is it? Is he calling you back?" Kayla asks excitedly. I had been trying to get a hold of my boyfriend for at least an hour, worried sick. I knew he was upset because its fathers day, my boyfriend doesnt have a dad, so this is basicaly the darkest day of the year for him.
"No, its a voice-mail. Weird though, i don't have a missed call..." i tell her.
I select the pop up, put in my password and put the call on speaker. We both waited in silence as the voicemail loaded up the message.
"Hey, Im trying to call you back...hello?" a low familiar voice says with some sorrow. My heart flutters and my tummy tingles, Anthony. "It left a voicemail," he chuckles. I smile to myself at the sound of his happiness, even if a small chuckle.
"Like a breaking up voicemail or a call me back voicemail?" a very unfamiliar voice says in what i guess is the background. My heart stops, my stomach drops and everything is distant. I felt my bones trembling, though when i looked at my now empty hands- dropped the phone- they do not shake.
All i could hear was my ragged breathing and the message as it went on, though it hardly mattered now. I focused on his tone of voice, happy and conversational.
He didnt know he was leaving it, he doesnt know hes leaving it! I tell myself in my head, or that little voice inside my head reasures me rather.
"Kayla..." a small voice escapes my lips, it didnt at all sound steady.
I stared at the phone, on the air mattress, wishing i could pick it up and shut off the awful sound coming from it. Laughter as they spoke about something, not me anymore but i couldnt focuse on what.... I felt a warm touch on my shoulder, the bed shifted under me and i was in Kayla's comforting embrace. Her pressence brought me back somewhat and anger overtook hurt.
How could he?! I now heard in my head in a small, strong, but broken voice; obvisouly my own, as full of pain as it was.
I snatched up the phone and shut off the voicemail, without thinking about it i immediatly held down the number one. Spead dial, Anthony. It rang twice before he answered.
"Hey," his warm, comforting, welcoming voice greeted me. Hurt and anger. Hurt and anger. Thats all there was inside me it seemed. No, there it was, love and happiness, joy and relief to hear him. So stupid, i felt so stupid.
"Hey," i said, surprised at how even my voice sounded, though it defenitly had the anger stored in it. I continued talking without thinking, like something else was running me, but i dont think i could've chosen better words to come out of my mouth. "I dont know if this is a break up call or a talk to ya call, im still thinking," i said with more anger and hurt evident in my voice now.
"What?" he asked, i could tell by his tone he was panicked but playing cool and dumb. Only i could hear those in his voice because i new him better than anyone. Better than he knew himself even.
"Don't play dumb with me, not now. You know what im talking about. You left a voicemail.." i said to him, my voice was sharp, angry. He could hear them now i knew.
"Voicemail..? What are you talking about?"
"You know what im talking about. You called and i didnt see or hear my phone ring. Suddenly it says i have an ominous voicemail waiting. Who was that in the background anyway? He didnt sound familiar."
"Heather, what are you talking about? I honestly dont know."
"The first words, 'hey, im trying to call you back...hello? It left a voicemail' then your friend asked, 'like a breaking up voicemail or call me back voicemail?" i exlpained.
He was silent. I waited, wondering idly if he could hear my harsh breathing on the other end. I moved the phone a little away from my mouth in case he could. It took him a minute but he finaly came up with some words to say. I was single within the next one minute.
This is basicaly how it ended. A one year relationship over. It has now been about 6 days since this happened. I have cried to sleep each night, broken down randomly throughout the day and often woken up either crying already or i start crying immediantly. My first love lost.
I fell hard for this boy, now my friends are trying to get me to bounce back while im still searching for the ground i fell on. Now, to top it all off i have a new...stalker you could say who is obssessed with me. I have had 5 boys in the last 2 months proclaim there love to me. Only 1 of these i want. Anthony.
Now, often in an emotional wreck i have found out that one of my closest friends likes Anthony, Mark (my creepo obssessed stalker) is constantly texting and messaging me on how he cant get me off his mind and then made me feel like crap- he gladly told me that im f****d up cause i still love someone who left me for someone else and i wont give him a chance (which i did)- and i told off but then gave another chance out of stupidity and kindness. Lets also add that one of my besties, Will, still likes me-a lot- and seems pretty glad that Anthony and i are no more.
As moody as i am, this has got me in an emotional wreck. It feels that i have reached my own personal dump, hell hole, bottom of a well as some of you may put it.
I am not okay.
But off of the dark topic.
Currently i am sitting on my bed with Beth as she contemplates a writing piece based on fairytales and we watch t.v. I am alright i suppose, but more often than not it seems that i am not exaclty okay. When i am with Will i am happy even though i think of Anthony still. When i am with Beth i am better than i would be alone. When i am with Mark i am constantly thinking of Anthony and comparing the two and being a lil paraniod that he would pick this one day to come to the mall, where i am. When i am alone, i am me. Full out. Hardly any distarctions, virtualy no conversation-IM and phone- and no one to cheer me up when i am about to collapse in on myself, wishing that i could have just a heart breaking instead of a heart breaking miles away, with Anthony.
Okay, so thats not really off the dark topic at all. But give me a little while and the blogs and posts wont be so down. This is an intro and update on me now. Whats basicaly got me down, what is up, what is new, how i am, what is going on. This is the outline of what makes my emotions so at this pure moment in time. Sorry i dont have the brightest outlook at this point, but i will, in time.
Grr, everything takes time. People are saying "in time" to me so much lately that they've go tme saying it. Oh well. Beth and i are going to get some food and play some Zelda. I will blog later, and it will be more cheerful im sure.
Ta Ta For Now :p
"Who is it? Is he calling you back?" Kayla asks excitedly. I had been trying to get a hold of my boyfriend for at least an hour, worried sick. I knew he was upset because its fathers day, my boyfriend doesnt have a dad, so this is basicaly the darkest day of the year for him.
"No, its a voice-mail. Weird though, i don't have a missed call..." i tell her.
I select the pop up, put in my password and put the call on speaker. We both waited in silence as the voicemail loaded up the message.
"Hey, Im trying to call you back...hello?" a low familiar voice says with some sorrow. My heart flutters and my tummy tingles, Anthony. "It left a voicemail," he chuckles. I smile to myself at the sound of his happiness, even if a small chuckle.
"Like a breaking up voicemail or a call me back voicemail?" a very unfamiliar voice says in what i guess is the background. My heart stops, my stomach drops and everything is distant. I felt my bones trembling, though when i looked at my now empty hands- dropped the phone- they do not shake.
All i could hear was my ragged breathing and the message as it went on, though it hardly mattered now. I focused on his tone of voice, happy and conversational.
He didnt know he was leaving it, he doesnt know hes leaving it! I tell myself in my head, or that little voice inside my head reasures me rather.
"Kayla..." a small voice escapes my lips, it didnt at all sound steady.
I stared at the phone, on the air mattress, wishing i could pick it up and shut off the awful sound coming from it. Laughter as they spoke about something, not me anymore but i couldnt focuse on what.... I felt a warm touch on my shoulder, the bed shifted under me and i was in Kayla's comforting embrace. Her pressence brought me back somewhat and anger overtook hurt.
How could he?! I now heard in my head in a small, strong, but broken voice; obvisouly my own, as full of pain as it was.
I snatched up the phone and shut off the voicemail, without thinking about it i immediatly held down the number one. Spead dial, Anthony. It rang twice before he answered.
"Hey," his warm, comforting, welcoming voice greeted me. Hurt and anger. Hurt and anger. Thats all there was inside me it seemed. No, there it was, love and happiness, joy and relief to hear him. So stupid, i felt so stupid.
"Hey," i said, surprised at how even my voice sounded, though it defenitly had the anger stored in it. I continued talking without thinking, like something else was running me, but i dont think i could've chosen better words to come out of my mouth. "I dont know if this is a break up call or a talk to ya call, im still thinking," i said with more anger and hurt evident in my voice now.
"What?" he asked, i could tell by his tone he was panicked but playing cool and dumb. Only i could hear those in his voice because i new him better than anyone. Better than he knew himself even.
"Don't play dumb with me, not now. You know what im talking about. You left a voicemail.." i said to him, my voice was sharp, angry. He could hear them now i knew.
"Voicemail..? What are you talking about?"
"You know what im talking about. You called and i didnt see or hear my phone ring. Suddenly it says i have an ominous voicemail waiting. Who was that in the background anyway? He didnt sound familiar."
"Heather, what are you talking about? I honestly dont know."
"The first words, 'hey, im trying to call you back...hello? It left a voicemail' then your friend asked, 'like a breaking up voicemail or call me back voicemail?" i exlpained.
He was silent. I waited, wondering idly if he could hear my harsh breathing on the other end. I moved the phone a little away from my mouth in case he could. It took him a minute but he finaly came up with some words to say. I was single within the next one minute.
This is basicaly how it ended. A one year relationship over. It has now been about 6 days since this happened. I have cried to sleep each night, broken down randomly throughout the day and often woken up either crying already or i start crying immediantly. My first love lost.
I fell hard for this boy, now my friends are trying to get me to bounce back while im still searching for the ground i fell on. Now, to top it all off i have a new...stalker you could say who is obssessed with me. I have had 5 boys in the last 2 months proclaim there love to me. Only 1 of these i want. Anthony.
Now, often in an emotional wreck i have found out that one of my closest friends likes Anthony, Mark (my creepo obssessed stalker) is constantly texting and messaging me on how he cant get me off his mind and then made me feel like crap- he gladly told me that im f****d up cause i still love someone who left me for someone else and i wont give him a chance (which i did)- and i told off but then gave another chance out of stupidity and kindness. Lets also add that one of my besties, Will, still likes me-a lot- and seems pretty glad that Anthony and i are no more.
As moody as i am, this has got me in an emotional wreck. It feels that i have reached my own personal dump, hell hole, bottom of a well as some of you may put it.
I am not okay.
But off of the dark topic.
Currently i am sitting on my bed with Beth as she contemplates a writing piece based on fairytales and we watch t.v. I am alright i suppose, but more often than not it seems that i am not exaclty okay. When i am with Will i am happy even though i think of Anthony still. When i am with Beth i am better than i would be alone. When i am with Mark i am constantly thinking of Anthony and comparing the two and being a lil paraniod that he would pick this one day to come to the mall, where i am. When i am alone, i am me. Full out. Hardly any distarctions, virtualy no conversation-IM and phone- and no one to cheer me up when i am about to collapse in on myself, wishing that i could have just a heart breaking instead of a heart breaking miles away, with Anthony.
Okay, so thats not really off the dark topic at all. But give me a little while and the blogs and posts wont be so down. This is an intro and update on me now. Whats basicaly got me down, what is up, what is new, how i am, what is going on. This is the outline of what makes my emotions so at this pure moment in time. Sorry i dont have the brightest outlook at this point, but i will, in time.
Grr, everything takes time. People are saying "in time" to me so much lately that they've go tme saying it. Oh well. Beth and i are going to get some food and play some Zelda. I will blog later, and it will be more cheerful im sure.
Ta Ta For Now :p
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
