How am I? Well...I Dont Really Know..

I have been....empty, lately. Only way to describe it. Its either no feelings, upset, or angry the past couple days. I dont know....

I have been talking to Anthony, once he was in a really bad condition and i wanted to go but when i tried to he'd freak out and like beg me to stay and he needed me. I only tried to go like twice because of that. It was really hard, but he needed me.... Now he tells me that he has to fight a 16 year old boy cause thats Hope's ex and...well...Anthony and Hope had a thing (or have a thing, im not really sure) for a couple days, so that got me enraged, the thought of anyone hurting him. And it makes me hate Hope because its her fault hes gonna get hurt and I really wanna tie a boulder to this guys foot and drop him in the deepest part of my neighborhood lake then send in the aligators and snapping turtles after him.

Ah! Mark just texted me, he is still all about me. I told him im not up for a relationship right now, i told him i dont like him, i told him to back off, but he still continues to be obbsessed! I dont know whats wrong with me, but for some bizarre reason ive been..attracting guys lately. Out of the seven guys that have proclaimed their love to me in the past 2 months, i only want one. And yes ive gone over this so i know i dont need to again, but still....

Im probably torturing myself. Listening to Rascal Flatts' sad songs and Boys Like Girls all the time, and talking to Anthony so much even though it often kills me, but at the same time makes me so happy. Beth says i need to stop, but i swear i must be addicted. Addicted to him or addicted to pain? Maybe both.

Did you know that banging your head on a wall (or any solid, hard object really) can bang the thoughts out of your head temporarily? I was just upset one day, i couldnt get Anthony out of my head and i didnt want to think about him, so i started banging my head on the wall and it actually worked! I know, im insane, but still.

I wrote a lot yesterday. A lot a lot. It was really important too, and from my heart and i got really into it. But when i tried to post it, the sight messed up and wouldnt let me! So i hit back so i could save what i wrote and post it later...but it was gone! I was so mad and so upset, i didnt write all day after that. I just wasnt in the mood anymore.

I am bored. I am hungry, but im not at the same time. I think my mom is worried about me, but im kinda just brushing it off. I wonder what to tell her sometimes, then i think, oh well, how do i know what she'll ask anyway, so i stop wondering. All ive had today is toast, i dont really have an appitite. I think that's worrying my mom, too.

Today has been boring. I woke up at like 2pm. Beth spent the night last night. I was helping Martha so i went downstairs to talk to her so i could let Beth sleep (my sleeping pattern is really screwed up) and when i came back up she had conquered the bed. I didnt want to wake her up so i got a pillow and layed down on the couch. It took me nearly an hour to fall asleep, just laying there in the dark. It was very difficult to get my mind to quiet, and when that didnt work to fall asleep over the thoughts. The couch screwed up my neck, it hurts. But its ok because Beth said she slept REALLY good. She moves around A LOT in her sleep! She left at 3 cause i wanted a shower and alone time, i felt bad when she left though cause it was sprinkling out still, even though she had her bike. She says its fine, but i dont believe her....

Well, i guess im done writing. This may be my last post on June's blog, i may blog later but i kinda doubt it.

Ta Ta For Now :p