The Dump

Sunday 2:00 a.m., my phone goes off, i have a new random voice message.

"Who is it? Is he calling you back?" Kayla asks excitedly. I had been trying to get a hold of my boyfriend for at least an hour, worried sick. I knew he was upset because its fathers day, my boyfriend doesnt have a dad, so this is basicaly the darkest day of the year for him.

"No, its a voice-mail. Weird though, i don't have a missed call..." i tell her.

I select the pop up, put in my password and put the call on speaker. We both waited in silence as the voicemail loaded up the message.

"Hey, Im trying to call you back...hello?" a low familiar voice says with some sorrow. My heart flutters and my tummy tingles, Anthony. "It left a voicemail," he chuckles. I smile to myself at the sound of his happiness, even if a small chuckle.

"Like a breaking up voicemail or a call me back voicemail?" a very unfamiliar voice says in what i guess is the background. My heart stops, my stomach drops and everything is distant. I felt my bones trembling, though when i looked at my now empty hands- dropped the phone- they do not shake.

All i could hear was my ragged breathing and the message as it went on, though it hardly mattered now. I focused on his tone of voice, happy and conversational.

He didnt know he was leaving it, he doesnt know hes leaving it! I tell myself in my head, or that little voice inside my head reasures me rather.

"Kayla..." a small voice escapes my lips, it didnt at all sound steady.

I stared at the phone, on the air mattress, wishing i could pick it up and shut off the awful sound coming from it. Laughter as they spoke about something, not me anymore but i couldnt focuse on what.... I felt a warm touch on my shoulder, the bed shifted under me and i was in Kayla's comforting embrace. Her pressence brought me back somewhat and anger overtook hurt.

How could he?! I now heard in my head in a small, strong, but broken voice; obvisouly my own, as full of pain as it was.

I snatched up the phone and shut off the voicemail, without thinking about it i immediatly held down the number one. Spead dial, Anthony. It rang twice before he answered.

"Hey," his warm, comforting, welcoming voice greeted me. Hurt and anger. Hurt and anger. Thats all there was inside me it seemed. No, there it was, love and happiness, joy and relief to hear him. So stupid, i felt so stupid.

"Hey," i said, surprised at how even my voice sounded, though it defenitly had the anger stored in it. I continued talking without thinking, like something else was running me, but i dont think i could've chosen better words to come out of my mouth. "I dont know if this is a break up call or a talk to ya call, im still thinking," i said with more anger and hurt evident in my voice now.

"What?" he asked, i could tell by his tone he was panicked but playing cool and dumb. Only i could hear those in his voice because i new him better than anyone. Better than he knew himself even.

"Don't play dumb with me, not now. You know what im talking about. You left a voicemail.." i said to him, my voice was sharp, angry. He could hear them now i knew.

"Voicemail..? What are you talking about?"

"You know what im talking about. You called and i didnt see or hear my phone ring. Suddenly it says i have an ominous voicemail waiting. Who was that in the background anyway? He didnt sound familiar."

"Heather, what are you talking about? I honestly dont know."

"The first words, 'hey, im trying to call you back...hello? It left a voicemail' then your friend asked, 'like a breaking up voicemail or call me back voicemail?" i exlpained.

He was silent. I waited, wondering idly if he could hear my harsh breathing on the other end. I moved the phone a little away from my mouth in case he could. It took him a minute but he finaly came up with some words to say. I was single within the next one minute.

This is basicaly how it ended. A one year relationship over. It has now been about 6 days since this happened. I have cried to sleep each night, broken down randomly throughout the day and often woken up either crying already or i start crying immediantly. My first love lost.

I fell hard for this boy, now my friends are trying to get me to bounce back while im still searching for the ground i fell on. Now, to top it all off i have a new...stalker you could say who is obssessed with me. I have had 5 boys in the last 2 months proclaim there love to me. Only 1 of these i want. Anthony.

Now, often in an emotional wreck i have found out that one of my closest friends likes Anthony, Mark (my creepo obssessed stalker) is constantly texting and messaging me on how he cant get me off his mind and then made me feel like crap- he gladly told me that im f****d up cause i still love someone who left me for someone else and i wont give him a chance (which i did)- and i told off but then gave another chance out of stupidity and kindness. Lets also add that one of my besties, Will, still likes me-a lot- and seems pretty glad that Anthony and i are no more.

As moody as i am, this has got me in an emotional wreck. It feels that i have reached my own personal dump, hell hole, bottom of a well as some of you may put it.

I am not okay.

But off of the dark topic.

Currently i am sitting on my bed with Beth as she contemplates a writing piece based on fairytales and we watch t.v. I am alright i suppose, but more often than not it seems that i am not exaclty okay. When i am with Will i am happy even though i think of Anthony still. When i am with Beth i am better than i would be alone. When i am with Mark i am constantly thinking of Anthony and comparing the two and being a lil paraniod that he would pick this one day to come to the mall, where i am. When i am alone, i am me. Full out. Hardly any distarctions, virtualy no conversation-IM and phone- and no one to cheer me up when i am about to collapse in on myself, wishing that i could have just a heart breaking instead of a heart breaking miles away, with Anthony.

Okay, so thats not really off the dark topic at all. But give me a little while and the blogs and posts wont be so down. This is an intro and update on me now. Whats basicaly got me down, what is up, what is new, how i am, what is going on. This is the outline of what makes my emotions so at this pure moment in time. Sorry i dont have the brightest outlook at this point, but i will, in time.

Grr, everything takes time. People are saying "in time" to me so much lately that they've go tme saying it. Oh well. Beth and i are going to get some food and play some Zelda. I will blog later, and it will be more cheerful im sure.

Ta Ta For Now :p